Jessica Bailey (2005

On thursday December 1st, 2005, i was 33.5 weeks pregnant. The midwife listened to Jessicas heartbeat, as usual. Me being my inquisitive self asked what the reading was and she said "110". I was concerned as usually it was around the 160 mark, so i questioned her. She said not to worry as it was still within the 'normal range', just as long as i was getting around 10 movements a day. Being my only pregnancy i wasn't sure what to expect movement wise. Was i getting 10 a day? How should i know? I didn't count them. Nobody told me to!!
She said she would give me a kick chart, so i could monitor how often she moved.
I began to think wether she had moved that morning. I wasn't sure at all, so for peace of mind the midwife rang the hospital. They said to send me in for a check up.
I burst into tears on the way to my mums house. I had an awful feeling come over me. I just knew....

A friend picked us up and took us to the maternity department. I'll never forget it. There were two pregnant women stood outside in their dressing gowns, smoking, no cares in the world.They looked like they were 'about to drop' as the saying goes. I remember thinking how glad i was that i didn't smoke or drink during my pregnancy.
Mum and i went to the reception desk, and were told they were expecting us.We waited around 10 minutes, then a midwife came for us.We were taken to a waiting room where there were other pregnant women, and a couple of toddlers playing.
We waited for around an hour and a half. Mum and i were taken to anther room. The midwife explained that she was going to check the babys heart rate. I was extremely anxious by now, and although i had a negative feeling i clung to a big chunk of 'hope'! The screen showed a rate of 168, so mum asked "is that baby?" "Yes" she replied. I breathed a sigh of relief, and mum sat down relieved. I thought 'at least i'm in the right place if anything is wrong'.

She wanted to hear my heart rate too, so moved us to yet another room, where there was 2 monitors. I soon realised that she was picking up only one beat...not two. I could tell by the look on her face, despite her best efforts to hide it! She said "don't worry, we will scan you to find your babys heart.She is probably lying upside down and back to front". Me and mum just looked at each other.
The sonographer came, and took us for my scan. She explained that she would be silent for a few minutes while she had a good look around, and then tell me what was what. She turned the monitor away from me, although i could slightly see out the corner of my eye. I could see enough to realise there were no movements at all. I was numb. I could see she was concentrating around the heart area alot, and nothing was moving. THEN IT HAPPENED...she turned to me, and holding my arm she gently said "i'm so sorry." I said "she's dead isn't she?" "Yes" she replied. Mum burst into tears, but i couldn't at first.

I was given the option of whether to stay in and deliver her then, or to go home and return another day. I chose to go home. I wanted to keep my baby inside of me...she was ok in there...inside her mummy! I didn't want them to take her away. Despite this i knew i would have to deliver her soon. I phoned several people and by now i was crying. I was given 3 white tablets, to soften my cervix in preperation for labour. My friend came to get us, and drove us home.

I balled my eyes out solidly until i fell to sleep.
The next day i was very subdued, though i was bursting into tears on and off. It took all day to get my bag packed for the hospital!

Saturday, December 3rd, 2005.

Me, mum, and my babys daddy were taken to a 'quiet room' at the back of the labour ward. My aunty joined us, and it all began....
They gave me some more tablets for my cervix, and soon the pain began. I remember climbing into alsorts of posistions on the bed, then standing, sitting, you name it! But i couldn't get comfortable. They gave me drugs to stop the pain. They made me sick, so they gave me others to stop the nausea. I was sick again. I had an epidural, which was topped up every hour for 9 hours. I was still being sick, and the pains were getting so bad that the drugs weren't much use.
By now i was as high as a kite, but remember asking for another 'top up'. The midwife checked me over and explained that there was no time for another one as i was fully dilated and my baby was on her way!
This was meant to be the happiest day of my life.
There were 2 midwives present. One was telling me to push which i found very amusing as i couldn't feel anything from my legs down! I shouted a few obsenities and half an hour later my daughter was born, at 00:35am, Sunday, 4th December, 2005.

I saw her come out, and remember asking who she looked like (as daddy had a big nose!!). My mum said she looked like me, i smiled, slurred the words "thank goodness for that", and passed out through total exhaustion!
I woke at 3am, and everyone checked i was ok, before they went home to sleep.

I held Jessica until 5pm on the monday.I wouldn't dare sleep! I just wanted to be with her the whole time. I had a small naming ceremony in the hospital for her.
I took lots of photo's of her. She was so perfect, all 4lb 60z of her, a good weight for a baby of 34 weeks gestation. All her tiny fingers and toes. Tiny ears. Her little nose. My little bundle of lovliness. I couldn't believe how beautiful she was. MY DAUGHTER!

Some of my friends came to visit, and held her. It was nice and comforting for me, that i was able to share her. When i talk about her i know that they can picture her too, as they were part of it.
The hardest part was on the monday, 5pm, when i had to leave her behind. Just walking out of the hospital. With nothing. I couldn't see through my tears.

Jessica was taken to Oxford for a post mortem. They said that my placenta had stopped working, which starved my daughter of nutrients and oxygen. Although there was nothing i could have done to prevent it i still cant help feeling guilty.
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I only saw her daddy once more after that. He said he was coming to the funeral, but never showed. He since has had another baby, with his new partner, 9 months after Jessica died. He doesn't talk to me.
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I visited Jessica when she returned to Plymouth, at the funeral directors. She looked so comfortable in her little white coffin, with lace trimmings. I placed some things in with her...a photo of us together, a letter from me, and a couple of teddies. Then i placed a throw over her that my aunty had knitted for her. I always felt peaceful when i was with her. Strangely calm.

Thursday, 22nd December, 2005

Jessicas funeral was held at Weston Mill Cemetry, here in Plymouth. It was a dull day, but perfect. Alot of friends attended. On the way in i had Chris Rea's song, Tell Me There's A Heaven...i particularly pick up on the line "every day a baby dies, and everynight a mother cries". How true! The Pastor did a few readings, but i didn't hear most of it. I just cried into my dads arms, staring at her tiny coffin, and listening to my friends and family crying too. We sang "When A Child Is Born", and the Pastor said a few more words.
It was then that something wierd happened. "Lord", he said. " "Please take the soul of Jessica Grace Bailey"....blah blah blah.....suddenly a ray of sunshine shone through the stained glass window, straight onto the coffin. But as soon as it had appeared it was gone again! I later found out that two of my friends also saw this, seperately!! Maybe it was really Jessica's soul going up!?

On the way out of the service i had Robbie Williams' song Angels. We all followed her prosession up to the graveside and she was lowered into her final resting place. My crying stopped then....and i haven't been able to shed a tear since!
I could feel people looking at me, but it was as if i was looking in on my life, and not actually there. I sprinkled some sequins onto her coffin of little hearts, angels, and flowers, followed by a pink rose in bloom.
My little baby girl was gone.
JESSICA GRACE
4.12.05